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Attempted Chili for Impending Bombogenesis

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Ingredients:

2 lbs of ground beef (or, if your Trader Joe's is empty and everyone is panicking, a different kind of beef that you can cut into small chunks)30ish oz crushed/diced/whatever tomatoes30ish oz white kidney beans15ish oz tomato sauce2 chopped onions (or, in case of aforementioned Trader Joe's issue, one 4.25oz jar of chopped shallots)2 cups beef broth1 tablespoon + 2 teaspoons chili powder1 tablespoon ground cumin2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder1 teaspoon cayenne pepper1 teaspoon dried oregano"3" (6) cloves of garlic, mincedSour creamShredded cheese
Brown beef on stove. Combine all ingredients into crock pot. Cook on high for four hours. Add poached egg if you're really fancy. Otherwise, add sour cream and cheese as desired.